Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Feeling the Feelings

This blog is supposed to be about my adventures in crafting, specifically fiber crafting.  Generally I do something crafty (oh, yes, I'm crafty!) every day to report.  But I've just not been feeling the love recently.  Nothing I'm working on is doing it for me.

And, to complicate matters, I signed up for Weight Watchers last Thursday.  This is a good thing, right?  Right.  Except in some ways, it's really not.  Those of you that actually know me know that I am a woman of size, and I didn't get that way by eating carrot sticks, bananas, and Romaine lettuce.  I got that way by using food as my drug of choice--stuffing my feelings, as one previous therapist put it.  I don't do drugs, don't smoke, don't even drink much anymore.  What do I do to deal with all the feelings?  Why, eat, of course.

And now that I can't just eat whatever I want?  I am feeling the feelings.  ALL the feelings.  Depression, anxiety, frustration, anger, disappointment, rage....  ALL the feelings.  When you can't eat them away, what in the world do you do with them?  What I'm trying to do is to simply sit with them--accept them for what they are and let them pass.  Much easier said than done.  It's much easier (and more in line with human nature) to try to avoid the unpleasant feelings.  To do anything to avoid the unpleasant feelings.  Drink, smoke, eat.... Oh wait, that's how I got to where I am!

I've struggled with depression my whole adult life.  At this point, at 45, it's gotten to be an old friend.  An unwelcome friend, to be sure, but a familiar one.  For the last year, I've been doing pretty well, staying on an even keel, keeping my head above water.  So it's scary, to say the least, to feel the depression and anxiety creeping back up on me.

Oh, I could just pack it in and give up the whole weight loss effort, but I'm at a point where I really need to lose some of the poundage for my own health.  It's gone beyond just looking a certain way.

I knew it would be hard; I just didn't anticipate it being this hard, and hard in quite this way.

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